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Another melancholy moment has hit me. I realize that I am utterly inadequate in life. And now you say how does that make sense when the only requirement of life is to be alive? I don’t know, but I feel like I’m just taking up air another person could be breathing.

What do you want to do with your life? I want to sit and contemplate, but not for too long as depression will consume me. You tell me what I should do and I’ll do it. I’m good at a lot of things, but not great at anything. I gave up most of my friends. There are only two who will stay with me. I can’t keep a conversation going because I have nothing interesting to say. If you just said something you’ll have to repeat it because my attention span is worse than that of a kid with ADD and these ears will switch focus to the slightest background noise. I’m only good for helping out with rent or with filling out forms or writing the occasional large check. Because that’s what I am - a source of income, and no more.

I have been feeling not-so-good lately, a little under the weather, a little underweight, a little more lethargic than usual. Sadly this seems to be work-stress related but I’d much rather blame it on a tapeworm or mononucleosis. A physical affliction is so much easier to fight off. My grandmother came over last weekend for Chinese New Year and asked what happened to me, said my face was ‘jeem-si’ which translates to ’sharp’ - meaning why do you look like skeletor? She would always judge a person’s weight by one’s cheeks. Even if someone just had a meaty face and an average weight body, she’d call him fat.My dad chirped in a few days later, lecturing me on my bad habits of not sleeping enough or not eating healthy. Like the good child that I am, I promptly stopped listening after the first few sentences. I do that more often than I should, sometimes I don’t even realize it. When asked what I’m thinking of… honestly, nothing. My eyes are looking around but my mind is blank. If that is how it feels to have Alzheimer’s disease, I’m ready and have had plenty of practice.

On a completely different topic, I’ve been listening to Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!’s new album, Some Loud Thunder. It’s very good, equally so as their last album. My favorites so far are Emily Jean Stock, Satan Said Dance, and Goodbye To The Mother And The Cove.

And to those who celebrate this: Happy Chinese New Year. Oink Oink.